Two months ago I was driving across the Cherry Creek Dam. My husband was in the middle of another bipolar episode, I had lost a bitter battle for my daughter earlier that week, and I had stupidly stopped taking my anti-depressants because I could handle it. I was fine.
Until I was driving over that dam. And I literally looked to my right and thought, if I swung this massive SUV to the left and then took it off the side it might explode before I hit the water.
Yeah. Two months ago I was ready to end it all.
Then Danny Gokey came on the radio. “You were made to rise, you were made to shine”. I was, wasn’t I? God MADE ME for more than this. This is not my decision. The decision to end the pain does not end it, it just transfers. I started thinking about who it would transfer to.
Josh, Liz, Conner, Melanie, Colm, my sister, my brothers, my mom. So many friends. What would it do to them?
I made it to the other side of the dam. I went to a counselor that week. I started taking that little pill again.
Two months later, I’m feeling like myself again. I laugh often, don’t cry as often, and have tried to make my life about helping others within boundaries that I’m comfortable with. I’m spending a lot of time thanking God for every little blessing. I’m choosing to let go of grudges, forgive my past, and still maintain strict boundaries for who gets to participate in this amazing life I have.
I know I could face some pretty severe backlash for being this honest. I know that life can change on a dime and I could be faced with even harder challenges after I tap ‘publish’.
I also know that medication is good and God is great, so I think I’ll be okay.
More importantly, the message I want to get out today, specifically this month, is that your life is incredible. Even if you’re below rock bottom, your life is incredible. YOU are incredible.
You are beautiful because you were wonderfully and fearfully made.
You are loved more than you know by someone who died to know you.
And perhaps, this is the moment you were created for.